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A piece returned

I want to preface this poem with a little explanation. It has been a long time since I have been able to write poetry. It has felt like an essential part of me has been asleep or cut off. I don’t claim my poetry is any good but writing it is something I need to do like breathing.

Words and phrases had been going through my mind for a few days last night I wrote for the first time in over a year.

 

This poem is on example


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Owning my Poetry

Okay  so it turns out I'm not a Fic writer. I never thought iy would be easy of course but I never expected to be totally horrible at it. This caused an identity crisis of sorts for me and I've been very depressed. I felt like I had no idea how I was because I have always thought of myself as a writer. But I finally realized what I am is a poet. Maybe my poems aren't very good but writing them is as necessary as breathing and I think any writer out there feels the same about there fics, So I hope to be writing alot more poetry in the future.

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Scatterbrainedness strikes again

 So I know I promised a fic but my real life and my utter scatterbrainedness keep getting in the way. I am working on it though (it's probably awful anyway sigh) . It being my first fic i want to have a clear idea where I'm goinf before I post any of it.






Torchwood Fandom Newbie

Thanks to Miss_Jaffacake for this userpic. Its my first! Unfortunetly I haven't figured out how to link things to my journal yet. 

I have recently discovered Torchwood and I am rapidly becoming a huge fan. I was surprised and delighted to discover all the amazing 

Torchwood fan fiction on Live journal. Thank You to all the amazing writers who are willing to share their wonderful stories! 

I mostly write poetry in my journal (I have no idea if it's any good or not but it helps keep me sane) If anyone feels like checking my poetry out I'd 

love to get comments and criticism. I have been inspired to write a Torchwood story of my own and hope to post it soon :)

A Reflection on the power of words

The dial tone buzzed in her ear
the phone all but forgotten in her hand
not for the first time
she reflected on the powerof words
to rejuvinate to heal
to hurt and to destroy
words used to sooothe
or weilded like a weapon
even more damaging when used
carelessly 

She had learned
one has to be careful
often when people use words 
they don't say what they mean or really mean what they say
isn't that how the saying goes? clique but true

She thought she had learned not to believe his lies
or is it really a lie when the person believes that what they say is true ?
in the moment the words are well intentioned
true and sincere 
in the heat of the moment
they shine with feeling
with meaning

yet to her ears they soon ring false
for she knows in her heart that later
his words will become
brittle things
blown away on the breeze as unsubstantial as ever 
a promise broken
a casualty of his good intentions and inattenton
 to anything other than
his needs his wants 

and yet this time she had almost believed
she curses her own weakeneses 
her need to be loved and accepted
overcoming her common sense
she had fallen in the trap once again

already she sees the signs so clear
he begins to grow tired yet again
she can never be what he wants not for long
she knows to be what he wants is to destroy her sense of self
But she won't walk away
she can't

trapped in a cage
that he created
but that she herself keeps locked
she waits
he will call back
his anger fading away
he'll come back
she will force herself to forget
his cruelty and her pain
she will choose to believe his words of love 
She always does 

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Beware the mirage

Everything I have ever wanted

Standing in front of me

Close enough to touch

I reach out with my mind

My heart

Everything I want to be

Spread out before me

Tantalizing in its closeness

Its completeness

The answer to my prayers

My tears / my pain

 

As I reach out

I touch nothing but air

A mirage / a dream

Fleeting

Induced by desperation

Loneliness/ fear

I am standing alone in a desert

A vast empty place

 

Fate and hope are cruel

Adept at deceiving

Breaking

Can something that was never whole be broken?

 

I have been here before

Only then I believed

In apparitions

My biggest mistake

My frailty

 

I look up into the familiar sky

The wind brushes my face

I feel too much

I don’t want to feel /to know

The truth

Spelled out

Whispered in my ear

echoing

As the tears run unbidden

Down my face

To the dust below

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YOU ARE LOVED

 

YOU ARE LOVED

 

Today you are born

A new life full of promise

And hope

I smile to think of all you will learn

I wonder who you will grow to be

 No matter the person you become

Dear one

 there is no question

You will become someone

Truly special

 for you are

 truly loved

 

You may wonder how I know

The truth dear one is it’s easy to tell

All you have to do is be quiet
 watch and listen

 For it is all around you

 

The love is there in your mother’s smile every time

 She thinks or speaks of you

As real and vibrant now as the first time

when she told me you

were coming

a glow  lighting her from within

 

It’s there in your father’s eyes

every time he looks at your mom

it’s there in the way they can’t help but touch

from time to time

There is so much love between them

It takes my breath away

 

And already their love is growing

Reaching out

To you

Holding you safe and warm.

 

It’s in the happiness of your family and friends

In the excitement in all of us as we wait for you

A new grandchild, or cousin or niece or nephew or friend of our very own

To play and laugh with

 

You will learn to see and feel it too

The love your parents and family have for you

Will always be around you

A part of you

In every look, in very laugh

In every kiss or hug

 

Even in anger or tears

Yes dear one even then

 love will be there too.

 

And you will grow in every way

Secure in yourself

And in the knowledge

They you love and are loved in return

This is the greatest of gifts

 

Now you know the secret

You know love is everywhere

All around you

Inside and out

All you have to do is look

Inside your heart

And you will have reason

To doubt

you will know

forever and always

You are LOVED

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Using My Words

About five years ago I stopped writing anything personal. I had always loved writing especially poetry. But one day I slammed the door on my writing. i was going through alot, and I couldn't deal with the emotional upheaval my writing created. I was so deeply depressed I had trouble getting up in the mornings. It was a struggle to get through the day. It was like the only way to survive was to shut down the part of myself that felt all the pain. What i didn't realize is that by doing this I was also shutting down my creativety. That part of myself that really defined who i was and how I relate to the world.  I have recently started writing again. It feels so strange to me. How something that once came so easily, is now so dificult. Writng used to be easy, right my words flowed natural as breathing. The words flowed from me. Now I find I have to fight to find the right words. its like streching out a muscle after its been in a cast for a while. I have to  rememer how to tap into the writer in me. I thought it would be easier some how. Even though it has been a didcult process, it has also been wonderful. i have forgotten how good it feels to describe a momment or a feeling so perfectly that its like being their again or so that anyone who reads it feels like they are there too. The satisfaction of saying exactly what I want exactly how I want. I also feel a need to share my words. When i was young I would hate for anyone to see my writing. Now I feel a need to share it becaue I can't contain them to myself.I hope that my writing will lead somewhare but if not I know that I can nver stop writing no matter what. I have to write to feel alive.

Nanking

This is a poem  I wrote in 2002 for my Facing History and Ourselves class


I looked on in horror

images of rape and death

a baby crying alone amid total destruction

"it would be alright if we only raped them"

bayonet practice

people being mauled

no longer human beings

but sheep and dogs instead

sickness

revolution

anger

how can people have no conscience

where do their souls go?

killing machines

all part of war

denial

immunity of the heart

scars yet to heal

untold sorrow and tears

"bullets bleed holes"

cries unheard

times untold in history

“the forgotten holocaust”

the Rape of Nanking

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Blindsided by Truth Part 1

"They'll never accept you"
She doesn't know you hear her
what she is really saying is
"I'll never accept you
words
hateful 
intense
life changing yet
not forceful

Her voice
quiet 
measured 
calm
her meaning
sudden
unexpected 
revealed
the blindfold
You self imposed
held in place by years of denial
of love
ripped away
by a supposed act of kindness

the message is clear
you hear the ugly truth
behind the words

You are quiet
still
unmoving
just breathe
she won't notice
won't realize
what she has done
won't know
how her words shattered your 
already fragile, turbulent world
you stare out the window
unseeing
yet really understanding
for the first time
reality setting in
your dreams
hopes
for acceptance and understanding
gone
the last bit of innocence in you
withering away
you felt yourself
dying in the instant
the words fell from her lips

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